Wow, it has been a long time since I blogged but I need to address some things in my life and gain a sense of understanding and closure.
The past almost 3 months of my life have been a rocky one indeed. But after a lot of soul searching, reading and therapy I think I understand what caused this weird, hellish spiral in my life.
X was diagnosed Schizoaffective years prior to our meeting and reconnecting. I would've ran for the hills after knowing this ( and believe me it had crossed my mind) however X has such a kind heart, sensitive soul, goofy sense of humor, emotional awareness and intellect, creative spirit that I just couldn't imagine my life. We clicked and at that point I decided that I would be able to love him fully in spite of the mental illness.
We had 2 awesome years together and so many great times. He wanted to try to go to school for his music and in December 2012 he was not only accepted to SAE but also received a scholarship he applied for.
We were both excited. I knew this would add stress but I was comfortable enough to accept that this would involve a little distance and strain on our relationship after all we had always worked through everything as a team and this was possibly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
At the end of July X was having difficulty focusing at school. He was taking too many Clonazepam just to try to cope with stress and his prime directive was to get through school. A family member, after living with us for a few months pointed out that X fit all the symptoms of ADHD. That would've explained all of his concerns and symptoms so we went to the doctor to discuss options. The nurse decided to prescribe Effexor since this is apparently an anti-depressant helpful with ADHD. The nurse did not advise weaning off his current medication Zoloft which the physician later had questioned why a "hard switch" was advised.
In the following month things started getting stressful. X became more and more distant and wouldn't share hardly anything going on with his schooling or his social interactions. The doctor also added Strattera to his regimen. I guess he was coping with things okay as he became fairly withdrawn.
I want to point out that for the 2 years prior neither of us had lost our tempers or anything even remotely abusive because I don't want people to assume I have some codependent nature to be someone's caregiver nor have I ever tolerated any type of abuse. Our relationship had been based on mutual respect and support.
That somewhat changed on August 23rd. I came home from work blind-sided by a man who was mad-as-a-hatter yelling about how terrible I was and how he liked nothing about me. I couldn't even get a sentence in edgewise. I also can't tell you what was said exactly as I blocked my reception due to the hostile nature of this incident. I got in my car and left to drive around to see if perhaps this moment would pass. I received some text messages during the drive that said something to the extent of "I'm sorry. I love you. I'm going to stay at a friend's tonight so you can get some sleep for work."
So I rested, went to work, and received a few text messages of apologies throughout the day. Whew! I was glad that was over....or so I thought. As soon as I walked through the door that evening the same rude, nasty verbal abuse began again. This time is was about how I never supported anything he did and I was negative and fat and terrible. Ok maybe the fat thing is true but I was as fat as the day he met me so I don't think that is what triggered the moment. I asked if I could video record him so that maybe he could reflect on this in the future and he said sure and then calmed down while the camera was rolling. Weird huh? Yeah.
I left and went to his mother's where I couldn't sleep at all but I was uncertain what was going on in his head and though he could use space. I messaged him that I loved him and explained about the space and he began texting the same previous slander. I knew that I couldn't live like this. I texted him "What is going on?" to which he replied "I don't know." I explained that I would come home tomorrow after work and discuss things after he cooled off because I thought the Effexor might be causing side effects.
He moved out to his aunt's while I was at work and limited contact at that point. Sometimes he would have an outburst but most of the time things were ok.
A month later in September he stopped taking the Effexor FINALLY. He said he was unreasonably angry at a friend and realized the effects it was having on him. In what I believe was a moment of clarity he called on the phone asking me "to help sue his doctor's office for destroying his life, almost ruining our relationship and to still be on his team". Thank god! He's finally come to his senses....or so I thought.
He made several bad choices in the last month:
1. He stopped taking his Abilify for 5 days because he thought he was doing okay without it.
2. He immediately stopped taking Effexor which is strongly advised against.
3. He wouldn't take the mood stabilizer prescribed by the physician.
4. He withdrew from most of his friends, family and his strongest supporter; me.
5. He dropped out of school.
6. He stopped therapy.
The next few weeks would be the most emotionally exhausting of my life.
On day he would love me, the next he would hate me. He'd profess his love to me and then tell anyone else he was in contact with that we'd broken up.
Finally on November 4th he agreed that we could attend couples therapy in a few weeks and that I could court him again however any small, distant attempt I did seemed to cause more irritation. I ended up breaking things off a week later because I could not devote any more energy to someone who had no desire to help himself let alone support a relationship.
I never thought a medication would change a person so drastically but after reading a lot I realized that anti-depressants/switching anti-depressants can cause this quick change however I've received little support in addressing this issue with X. X never explained any reasons. When his friends asked, who are as baffled as I am, "Why?" he doesn't really have any answers and quickly dismisses talking about it. "I don't think he will ever regret this." said one family member without any explanation. "He doesn't love you. I noticed it months ago", explained another member without explanation. Here are some links of similar stories of people destroying their relationships after taking SSRI anti-depressants and this is what I believe happened.
Here are some links of similar situations:
The whole thing is tragic really.
Most people with a mental illness dream of the connection, support and intimacy we shared. However it could take 5 more months for the imbalance to be corrected and in that time I cannot wait for someone who is distant, angry and moving on down a seemingly destructive path.