The Trouble Is, You Think You Have Time - Buddha

I wanted to tell a story about a best friend and soul mate of mine....


Mine and Caleb's paths crossed many times in our lives.
We both went to Hume-Fogg.
He was my first date in high school and we'd ran into each other downtown a few times.

When he contacted me on Facebook in July 2011 I had no idea how a few messages would impact my life. Caleb invited me out to karaoke later that week. I nervously circled the club several times before I finally worked up the courage to park & go inside.

After catching up I told him how nervous I was and he admitted he was afraid I wouldn't show. It was also at this point he said "I am absolutely mad. I'm schizoaffective".
I went home that evening both excited & scared of what that meant.

Caleb asked me out again but I had a headache that night. He was at a friends house a mile down the road. He said " Okay. I have some music for that. I'll be right over."
An hour passed & I started to get concerned until I heard a knock at the door. There Caleb was with a bike covered in sweat.  "I accidentally biked the long way around" he said while trying to catch his breath. He put headphones on my head and said "These frequencies & tones will take your headache away". I placed my head on his shoulder and listened. That was the moment I fell in love with him.

It was easy to fall in love with Caleb. He made me laugh almost every single day. My fondest memories are the simplest. He would dance in the kitchen cooking breakfast singing into the spatula.

He made me stop & appreciate the calm, simple moments of drinking coffee on the back porch watching the squirrels while he pointed out the different kinds of birds.

Caleb made everything fun. One morning he was wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle hoodie & he prompted a discussion about 'Geriatric Ninja Turtles". Caleb said one would have a walker to which I replied "Carpel Tunnel dude".

But Caleb's face really lit up when he was working on and recording music. He was so proud of his studio and would convince anyone he could to work on music with him. He was happiest in his studio with his many musically-talented friends. You guys really gave him such joy.

Caleb brought joy & positivity to so many people's lives in spite of dealing with a lot of inner turmoil. Caleb & I loved & laughed intensely. In spite of the trying times, we overcame many odds and I am thankful and grateful for those wonderful moments.

I'd like to share a part of a Ben Fold's song that Caleb played on piano & sang to me on one special occasion.

"I don't get many things right the first time,
In fact, I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong stumbles
And falls brought me here.
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
I am the luckiest."

I consider myself the luckiest to have shared a life & love for as long as we did.

Caleb rarely had acquaintances.
He was friends with anyone he met & he would do anything for a friend.
I think that anyone who knew Caleb was the luckiest.

"You're Only Given a Little Spark of Madness. You Mustn't Lose It." - Robin Williams

I think anyone who falls in love with and chooses a significant other in our lives understands that in the beginning we are so naïve to the idealistic view "in sickness and in health" whether or not we have sealed those vows in pubic or subconsciously. We believe that love really can conquer all and repair our broken spirits. When we find a partner who loves us unconditionally, shares our hobbies and same bizarre sense of humor and compliments our life like no other, we believe as a team anything is possible. My relationship was beaming with love, hope and support. My significant other had been previously diagnosed Bipolar-Schizoaffective which we planned to control with contracts and game plans in the event of a crisis however  relationships like these take almost impossible strength and mental acuity.
 

 Since the beginning of this year my significant other has broken off into some manic realm where I am, once again, the cause of all problems and mental distress. I am the mortal enemy. I am the problem. Instead of addressing the reality and severity of the mental issues it is always the easier route to blame another person when in a whirlwind mania. It's easy to hide the symptoms of slowly losing your mind to the doctor, the post man, your friends and even parents however a perceptive spouse will generally see slight subtle changes. Mania is not always a quick blow from left field. In my experience it begins with a slight gnawing away at the spouse's core being with unimportant quips and pricks in order to jockey for a position of control over the spouse instead of being able to rationalize it is complications with mental illness. 

For the last month I have experienced minor comments ranging from "You are so annoying the way you slurp your coffee" to an uncontrollable rage against the house. Cautiously,  I did not take the first clues flippantly. I contacted family members, the therapist, avoided and removed myself from possibly volatile situations. My emotions began to silently take the back-burner while I thought I was prepared to follow our thought-out game plan. S.O. got angrier and joined dating sites.  Exhausted from spinning my wheels and burying my emotions for weeks I poured my heart out at the first moment of clarity to my significant other. It was the first question of concern I'd heard in weeks and I let it purge. Although the words may sound harsh I assure you it was said softly with tears and monotone as my emotional bank was depleted. 

S.O. : "Are you okay? You seem very sad?"

Cherie: "I am completely exhausted. I am giving 120% and it is still not good enough or acceptable to you. I feel myself checking out of this relationship mentally. I have accepted that nothing I do is good enough for you. You need to make a decision right now to get the help you need because I cannot try any harder for you. I need recovery. I need a clean slate. I need you to take responsibility for your well-being. You may need to get your medications checked out and leveled".

S.O.: (silently nodding his head)

And then I asked a question that I had wanted to ask for a long time....

Cherie:  "People who want to be healthy make an effort to be healthy. Did you give up all hope when you were diagnosed? Did you decide you were content to be a couch-locked, pot-head for the rest of your life? When we first met you had goals and aspirations...where did that guy go? I feel like you have given up. You blame me because you don't do the things you want to but you are your own distraction.  You don't have alone time because you want to be constantly around people who takes drugs.  How did you feel when you were diagnosed?

S.O.: "I was relieved. I felt like there was hope. I'm sorry I have made you feel this way. "

Cherie: "I need you to get help because I do not have anymore energy. I need you to research new medications and find healthy hobbies that make you happy. I need a clean slate."

S.O.: "I agree. Okay. I will ask the therapist tomorrow about rehab."

I cannot tell you the stress relief I felt immediately. I was so thankful for this random moment of clarity. I felt like I had finally struck some logic epicenter of this manic storm. I slept better than I had that night than I had for a month. "This is a very positive step. Thank you for letting me finally express my thoughts. It has been so hard", I told my significant other.

I thought clouds were lifting and daylight was creeping in.

If only it had actually stuck. The next day I was unprepared for the turbulent aftershocks.

On the morning of January 28th I awoke feeling rejuvenated & relieved. I was excited to go to the therapist's office and see positive changes begin. Once we sat in the therapist's chairs,  S.O.'s mood changed drastically. S.O. informed the therapist I was forcing him to seek treatment. I spent the next 45 minutes being picked apart again. 

Utterly shocked, my brief glimpse of hope was lost. I had to accept the loving, compassionate, hilarious part of this individual I loved was no longer there. I tried to remember what our relationship was like before this mania however I couldn't remember anything good. My S.O. had become involved with drugs. He was a depressed, negative, insulting, argumentative monster. After therapy he told me I "needed to change or he wanted to break up". I told him it was over and I was not waiting another moment for him. He began to growl like a monster while he picked up the table I was sitting at and threw it across the patio. He took the bench he was sitting at and swung it close to my face and bashed it repeatedly on the patio. The he removed the metal awning post and proceeded to bash out every storm window of the house, 10 window panes, the electric box and the gate. While I was on the phone with the police he went inside and tried to tear down the metal medicine cabinet, punched his hand through the kitchen window and broke keys off in my locks. I never believed I would ever witness this extreme mental meltdown.

Space is an incredibly effective and necessary tool for relationships if the person needs time to heal and focus on oneself and step back from the relationship. It is ineffective and unacceptable to keep someone blindly waiting in the wings to catch you after your attempts to chase other women fails, blow all your money on drugs and self-destruct.  No one should enable this behavior. S.O. went to jail for 7 days and the police filed a temporary order of protection. 

I have grieved. I have made my peace with closure. I have mourned the destructive forces of this illness. I have shed tears for innocence lost. I journal my angriest thoughts. I have dealt with my own feelings of failure. I have encapsulated the great parts of the relationship in my brain. I am forgiving the negative and trying to forget.  I am prepared to move forward with my head high. I have reached a certain point of acceptance. 

The one thing that ruminates inside me is the helplessness involved with these episodes. People standing on the outside cannot see the benefits, the compatibility, the teamwork, the support, the hugs, the shared laughter the love that was and possibly will always be there. Mini episodic events seem so insignificant they are compartmentalized, minimized and often rationalized. Major events seems so grandiose and out-of-character that they are often dismissed as slanderous or lies. Blame is placed which distracts from defining and obtaining a solution to the real problem.

• I have been called "a real piece of work" and "the lowest type of sub-human ever met".
• I have been accused of ruining S.O.'s life.
• I have been told I "ruined things" by trying to communicate.
• I have been told that "placing boundaries is controlling". Then I was told I enabled S.O. by not placing firm boundaries.
• I was informed that I need to "stop controlling a mentally ill man's life because I am not strong enough to handle a real man".
• I was accused of abusing S.O.

It's a very lonely place to be. At times,  these ideas and comments make you question your own & other's sanity.

 Even if you can convince anyone the reality of the situation there is little that can be done until everything has been completely destroyed. Logic cannot be applied to actions so illogical. It is impossible to convince an unstable person they are unstable. Doctor's will only commit a person if they are a threat to themselves or others & by that point it's so very, very late. It is unbelievable and unfathomable to see a complete personality change unfold within your significant other. It is terrible and painful to watch the sometimes slow descent into madness. There is little that can be accomplished in the throes of mania. The best defense is a good offense. Taking control of one's mental health is not impossible. It can be controlled substantially with a combination of therapy, the right medications, making healthy life decisions and forming a strong support system. It is hard work. Maintaining a relationship is even harder but can be equally attainable as long as staying healthy is the main goal. It's not a relationship for the faint of heart. One must really weigh the good and the bad, the yin and the yang and the love versus the pain to continue the constant struggle with their partner.

I cannot accept this behavior in my life. The love was there. Generally when episodes include rage like this, drugs or drug withdrawal is involved. I don't want to paint the picture that every mentally-ill individual will act out like this. I don't want to paint the picture that this event was the entirety of our relationship. We all make our choices and we must take responsibility for our choices. I hope this year of drug probation and anger management helps S.O. get control of his life for his sake. It is tragic the impact one poor decision can do but facing the inevitable possibility of relapse is not a decision I can afford to make. I feel a very dark place filling-in part of my heart where love and compassion once grew. As hard as this mental illness tried it did not eviscerate my ability to find joy daily. It did not take my laughter. It did not take my life.

One of the officer's at the scene told me "destruction like this is often the anger expressed towards an individual. Be glad you are alive because this is one of the worst I've seen".

Glad to be alive.

Until next time,

CherieBobomb