Silence is Golden.

“When you understand, that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be.”
― Chuck Palahniuk

When my fiance of 3 & a-half years left in January I was a broken person.
Knowing his past behaviors during manic episodes I thought I had mentally prepared myself for this. I didn't expect, extrapolate or calculate that healing has it's own time line & unfortunately these things take time.

Even so,  I was determined to quickly reach a point of acceptance and growth. I was determined to no longer settle with my happiness. I was oblivious, or maybe in denial, to the fact that I needed to focus on myself. I needed more time to nuture the hurt parts of my soul...but I had always been an impatient person.

 I was excited, albeit hesistant, to venture out into the dating scene.  I signed up for a few dating sites to see if I could sort out someone truly special amongst the cornicopia of weeds, weirdos & freaks. I had an overwheling response to my ad. To this day I am still scratching my head as to why  one member had chosen a close-up picture of his one extremlely red eye as his profile photo. No one particularly stuck out until I came across a photo of a familiar face.

I'd worked with Jonathan for several years at a previous job.  He is probably a wallflower to most people; just another average, slightly-overweight hipster with a beard. He seemed like your average Joe but to me I was attracted to the authority in his voice, his confidence & weird sense-of-humor. When I saw his picture on OKCupid I thought to myself "There is no way he and his girlfriend broke up. They were SO happy." After fact-checking facebook to assure myself I wasn't preimptively getting involved in some complicated drama-I-didn't-need-in-my-life situation, I clicked the "like" button, probably blushed & most definitely giggled like a school girl.
The heart I thought would never thump again was akin to Jim Henson's muppet Animal on a drumset.
The anticipation just felt so good.

Many first dates with Jonathan were nothing less than magical. My birthday was like the scene from "16 Candles". He held my hand as we walked through Moss Wright Park. He looked lovingly into my eyes as we discussed having children and how desperately he wanted to be a father. He revealed how much he feared never getting that opportunity to have a family of his own. His eyes actually twinkled when he stared into my eyes. We walked around the Opryland Hotel Garden while he told me about his time as a marine and the passing of his father. It seemed as though I'd found someone with so many common interests and life goals who had suffered as much as I had and deserved so much more. It was so perfect in the beginning that only 3 weeks into it I remember joking with my roomate that he " was so perfect there must be something terribly wrong with him". We laughed but in hindsight I know my intuition was trying to tell me something that the oxytocin flowing through my neural pathways refused to acknowledge.

As perfect as things seemed there were very big signs I should've noticed. There were people waving red flags telling me to avoid this disaster but I couldn't see the reality through the perfect, content, romance-filled life I'd been promised.  Here's a few things that occurred after a month of dating that should've sent me running for the hills:

• He wanted to move in after 3 weeks of dating.
• He demanded exclusivity & that we rush into a marriage-type situation.
• He threw a tantrum when I told him I was going to a male friend's party.
• He was consistently late for any plans.
• Easter weekend we were supposed to meet at noon. At 1:30 I contacted him asking where he was. ( I now know he was on a date.) He threw a tantrum & refused to keep Easter plans. He later tried to make me feel bad for him because he "was alone on Easter".
• He would take everything out of context and take offense to every little thing.
• He would compare me positively to his ex.

He had me convinced that his poor behavior was due to damage caused by his previous relationship & breakup & PTSD from serving in the military for 4 months on 1997, however I still decided I needed to break it off with him. I was exhausted by his moodiness & unrreliabilty. There was another man who wanted to court me and he seemed like a more stable option. Since I try to be an upfront & honest person & I refuse to string anyone along I informed him of the reasons I wanted to break things off. Suddenly his behavior changed. He was the nice, funny, vulnerable, attentive man I was initially attracted to. Things were good. I chalked the initial poor behavior to dating jitters and proceeded to fall for this man. He said he loved me. I said it back. Unfortunately that's when the extremely abusive behavior reared it's ugly head but by this time I had been gradually groomed for what follwed the next few months.

• (April) He began getting upset for absolutely no logical reason and blaming me for his anger.
• He told me I didn't know how to treat a man and accused me of trying to control him.
• He began to compare me negatively to his ex and several other women.
• He demanded I paint my nails. He critiqued everything I wore. He told me to start parting my hair to the other side.
• He tripped me because I had to get up to use the restroom.
• He would have sex with me when I was asleep.
• (May) He pushed me & told me to get out of his apartment one evening after we had gone to sleep. While I was putting on my shirt he ripped it out of my hands & tore it to shreds. He pushed me against the wall and then kissed me and begged me not to leave him. His excuse was PTSD. He left several scratches and bruises on my arms.
• (May) He backed into my car purposefully and then reprimanded me for getting upset.
• He started calling me names during his tantrums. After the first time I was called a b*tch I politely explained to him that I would not accept that behavior. After the 5th time,  I called him a b*tch back & he ignored me for 3 days because "it means something worse for men".
• (June) He threw his dog across the apartment because it peed on the floor.
• (June) He accused me of cheating on him & demanded I take pictures around the house to prove noone was home with me.
• (July 4th) He grabbed my arm, bruised me, pushed me again. When I refused to apologize for my behavior he punched himself in his side and threatened to call the police on me.
• He threw his dog into the counter this time breaking it's nail. It bled on the bed and the wall. D.B. refused to clean it up and expected me to sleep in/on/around it.
• (July) He informed me that he broke a wood-burned elephant I gave him into pieces to clean up dog shit with. When I started to cry he scolded me for getting upset.
• (July) A bug was stinging my arm and I flicked it off. He spit in my face because I "flicked it at him in anger".
• (July) We were playing a video game and I leveled-up & picked up better gear before him so he acted insulted, threw a tantrum & kicked me out.
• (July 24th) He told me I was the only one who understood him. Then kicked me out because I had to get out of the bed to use the bathroom.
• (July 28th) I found another woman walking his dog at his apartment. She had slept over. I confronted both & ended that terrible relationship once and for all.

I have forgiven myself from letting this warped person get inside my head. I have forgiven myself for allowing this individual to treat me way less than I deserved. I know it seems obvious that this situation was severly toxic but relationships like these do not start out like this. I'm going to chalk this up as another lesson in life. I now completely understand the phrase "a wolf in sheep's clothing". Even after experiencing it it's still hard to believe that someone I'd known for years who seemed like your average nice man was so toxic underneath it all. I've even forgiven his behavior and confronted him about my mistreatment. I am at peace. I am thankful that I am brimming with empathy & sympathy and will continue in my life to have healthy relationships. It must be absolutely exhausting to try to control a person. This is a trait I will never feel compelled or desire to seek nor will I ever understand the emptiness that must reside inside such a toxic individual.

It makes me curious as to what other masked-marvels there are in this world. I wonder if we all wear these masks to some extent and why some people are capable of being so truly wicked and abusive.

I have also pondered if I too put on masks in my daily life.
This situation has made me strive to be the most genuine version of myself and to present it proudly.
My ability to trust was slightly dinged but I refuse to let it be completely damaged.
I can defintely say that after 5 months I am immensely stronger than I ever was and have little problem establishing boundaries.
So even though I was in a very real, very dangerous situation I came out mostly unscathed and infinitely wiser. I'm not broken. I'm a better version of myself.

-Happy New Years! xoxo
-Cheriebobomb

“You read and write and sing and experience, thinking that one day these things will build the character you admire to live as. You love and lose and bleed best you can, to the extreme, hoping that one day the world will read you like the poem you want to be.”
―    Charlotte Eriksson

*Names & initials have been changed.