I Know How Super-Villians Are Formed or How I Learned to Distiguish Disgust From Hate

I had stopped myself from discussing this socially several times because I was worried about how my message would be taken. But here's the thing: if my thoughts offend you don't read them. If you think poor of me don't be my friend. Believe that I am crazy or an evil person. For the first time in my life I honestly do not care what anyone thinks of me. I will not pretend to care for people who do not deserve my respect. I will not hold my tongue to save someone else.  I have to purge this because I don't think I'm going to feel better until I get it out even if it cannot be voiced directly.

I think it's sick to call yourself a person's friend when all you did was give him drugs and take advantage of him. I asked you for help with Caleb's mental illness. I told you the pain pills made him abusive towards me and you shrugged it off and still kept giving them to him. I should've reported you to the police then.

I asked you to encourage him to go to the mental hospital as his aggression was unusual and you did not help. You advised me to "stop trying to control him" and I watched his slow demise.

 I think it's disgusting that instead of actually being my ally and possibly a constructive force in your friend's life you exacerbated his hate & enabled unhealthy life choices. You promote yourself as one of his best friends but you only contacted him when you needed a favor.

He busted out all 10 of my windows because he was having a really fucking bad episode. I asked the police to take him to the mental hospital for evaluation. They chose to take him to jail. Do you understand that now? You shrugged it off as though it was an everyday occurrence. You accused me of ruining his life. You told me "I hope you die alone". I wanted for so long to make you understand the terror that exists when someone is out of their head enough to swing a table at you . I wanted to pay a 200 pound man to come over, rip an awning post down, swing it at YOUR face and damage your entire house so you might understand. But you weren't understanding. You blamed me for Caleb's own actions. It's convenient to claim he was capable enough make his own decisions until he's in jail ...then you switched it to "he was crazy and needed help".

What you did is exacerbate his hate towards one of his biggest supporters. What you did was convince him to separate himself even further from the one woman who had been able to love him through major episodes, a woman who knew how insane he was and loved his flaws and all. The woman who convinced him he could do anything he put his mind to that his mental illness was not an excuse to not aspire to what he wanted. A woman who encouraged him and bought him thousands of dollars of studio equipment to achieve his dream. He had a studio. He was doing what he loved & he was happy.

You accused me of taking advantage of a mentally ill person. Do you know what actually happens during an episode? Do you  know how absolutely out of control and out of touch with reality a person can get? No, you don't. You had the luxury of being a fair-weather person in his life. You, like many,  were sheltered from the darkness. The love a person has turns to hate . The balance gets shifted the complete opposite way . Once, while we were separated we agreed to go on a picnic and he was so uncoordinated and jerky that I asked him if he was feeling okay. He confided in me that he had stopped his Abilify because he lost it. He was without his antipsychotic med for 5 days. I turned the car around immediately and told him we were finding the medication or paying cash for it. He didn't lose it he just didn't want to take it. I had to force him to take the med.
When you love someone with mental illness and they are having an episode you have to take care of them when they cannot.  They often do not like it. You still have to do what is best for the mentally ill person.

Caleb admitted to everyone that he didn't know what happened after the first big episode we encountered . He asked everyone to listen to me when I said he wasn't acting right . He admitted to everyone that I could see the signs quickly . No one listened .


Instead you  convinced him if he got a restraining order on me he would get off probation. Did it work? Did you advise him correctly?

You told me I was responsible for ruining his life. I want to thank you personally for where we are today.  While I was with Caleb he was going to SAE, well-fed and never wanting anything. Bills were paid. Medications were taken. He took vacations. He had a roof over his head and his life was very stable. I learned about medications and paid close attention to side effects and his mood changes because I'd had some past experience dealing with mentally ill people. He had a normal life. The only thing I put my foot down on was drug usage and trust me I know what his life was on drugs. I know what his emotions, hallucinations and imbalanced brain chemistry was on drugs. I saw those when he wasn't. I was privy to both the power of and ugliness of an unbalanced mind. It was  a stark contrast. I never forced or made Caleb do anything. He obviously had free will but he chose a life with me because he wanted that life with me.

Did I ruin his life? Nope. Your fool-proof legal advice kept me so far away that I had no choice but to remove myself from his life and accept that my hands were clean of anything to happen the next year. I'm no saint. I'm no savior. You were right. I would've reached out. I would've made an effort. Even if we weren't together I'd make sure he was taking his meds.  You have no idea how many times I had to say to that man "If you aren't feeling well call you doctor" or "Let's make a therapy appointment. I don't think you will ever endure the selflessness involved nor are you capable of such. It wasn't work. I loved him. Not many could be both a caretaker and a partner. I did both because I loved him.
  But no matter how I judge you only you have to deal with your own subconscious, decisions and your own higher power. It is no concern to me how you continue to live your miserable life. You wanted all of his studio gear, music and belongings and you got them. You swore you'd keep him out of my life and you got your wish. But know this the really important things are immaterial and you have absolutely zero control over this. The responsibility is on your head if you do not do right by him. Your opinion of me means literally nothing. Anyone who really knew the relationship knows the truth.  All I know is that if I could trade his soul for yours and put you in his place I would in a heartbeat without a second thought. And I don't have any remorse or regrets in stating that. Yes it is an incredibly mean thing to say and  it's how I feel.

I'm also kind of disgusted by another individual who really didn't have any involvement in Caleb's life but since his passing has alluded to so much more. Go ahead and get all of this attention. You seem to need to feed on this unfortunate event and gain as much spotlight as you can.  You hung out with Caleb like twice in 15 years. It is tacky to say a ghost is watching you change. If this was the depth of your relationship then you are fake, insincere and tacky. I'm sorry if none of your friends will tell you this but I'm not the one to hold my tongue. You are tacky. I don't care what you did to your brain or why you need to feel the attention you are milking a situation. You were not important to him. He was not important to you. You were not going to take care of him. You don't even understand the reality of what that meant. It is easy to say we made promises that never had to be delivered. Its easy to claim how things would've been since the opportunity will never arise and you obviously didn't want to make the effort when there was time. Real love doesn't pause. It doesn't question. It doesn't make future plans when the time is right. It just happens.


 You are being disrespectful for anyone who really knew him.




Yes, I realize I am being very judgmental.
I don't care if these individuals saved your mom from a burning building... who was swaddling a baby ...who was holding 5 kittens ...to me they are worthless. I literally do not care.




I know this isn't very Buddhist. I am human.
I will definitely forget (you exist). I may forgive in time...but today is not that day.


Damn, I feel pretty cleansed.
- Cheriebobomb