Release Your Inner Kraken

If you were raised like myself you were taught to eat, sleep and breathe the Golden Rule.
If you were a woman raised like myself you were taught that opinionated, strong, demanding, independent women were insane/crazy/unstable.


For many years I would feel so hurt and guilty when I expressed anger.
I would allow people to overstep my boundaries and put myself in uncomfortable positions because I didn't want to be disrespectful or hurtful in expressing my needs & wants.
I felt that expressing my needs, wants, hurt & anger was in some way hurtful to the other person.




This week I implore all of you soft-spoken, empathetic, peace-loving warriors like myself to release your inner Kraken.

I'm here to help you begin your journey to a happier, healthier, more productive, more direct, more honest,  less dramatic & less bullshitty life. Prepare for changes not only within yourself but some acquaintances will magically disappear.  You may not see it now this early in creating a healthier, happier life but you don't need those people. Trust me.
This selfish act will separate the men from the boys and will mine out parasites you have allowed in your life. You may feel the positive effects immediately or it may take some time to adjust to the inner peaceful feeling but you will be happier.
Whether you want to dip your big toe in and test the waters slowly or dive Olympic-style smoothly into the pool is your decision.


I'm no expert & I'm still definitely learning this skill but here's what I have discovered thus far:




Do:

• Embrace the positive changes that occur when you address your true, inner bitch.
• Take back your power.
• Stand up for yourself.
• Demand what you want from your life.
• Express yourself assertively.
• Do be direct as possible and establish clearly what your goal or needs are.
• Accept that you cannot change a person. Be prepared to accept that some people simply do not care or are incapable of empathy.
• Be prepared to walk away from those aforementioned people.
• Inform someone when a set boundary is crossed or you feel uncomfortable.
• Do not doubt your feelings.
• Continue to be happy regardless the outcome.
• Find ways to boost your self-esteem.
• Love yourself above all others.
• Address any misconceptions and dysfunctional thinking which made you tolerate these people in the first place.
• Forgive. Forgive because you refuse to allow anger and other negative emotions to rule your heart and life.
• Do take responsibility for your life. You have allowed whatever in your life. We cannot change people but we can change ourselves. We can ask for someone to listen and respect us but they must be cut if they cannot tolerate reasonable requests.
• Make reasonable requests.
• Know your basic human rights.

Do Not:

• Do not allow a person to make you feel guilty for having needs.
• Do not allow people to control you, your emotions or alter your perception of yourself.
• Don't allow a person to manipulate you or manage down your expectations.
• Do not allow people to prey on your empathy.
• Don't lash out at every insensitive occurrence. (Been there. It's difficult to regulate these unfamiliar emotions at times. Check yourself before your wreck yourself. )
• Don't punch elderly women in line at the grocery because they are paying via check.
• Don't run someone off the road because blinkers do not exist in Nashville.
• Do not give continuous chances to a person who continues to ignore your needs.
• Do not reward unacceptable behavior with your time/energy/love/gifts.
• Do not become heartless.
• Do not allow insensitive people to change you into someone your aren't.
• Don't give more than 2 chances.

The best case scenario is that by respecting yourself you will immediately command respect and increase your own value, self-worth and self-esteem. The worst thing that will happen with your newfound focus is the almost automatic removal of assclowns from your life who are only sucking your life away.

There really isn't a worse-case scenario. You win either way.


And if you still feel a tinge guilty about not following the Golden Rule remember people treat us as we allow it. Some people were not taught this. Some people will not follow by example.
Give people the benefit of the doubt.  They may not know how you want to be treated if you've accepted it until this point. Besides, wouldn't YOU want to know if YOU could do something to improve all relationships in your life.


And you don't have to follow my advice. Maybe you don't need to release the Kraken.
Maybe you should release your inner Samuel Jackson. But that's a blog for another time.

Keep roaring, pillaging & growing,
-xo
CherieBobomb

Thankful For Mothers & Waterproof Mascara

(above) My mother Caroline enjoying one of her favorite hobbies.


When I look at old photos of my mother I often wonder if she ever judged herself as harshly as some women do. To me my mother was my mother. I never noticed her weight or her nose or wrinkles because I only saw her heart. I never heard my mother ever state anything about not accepting her physical attributes. Only once in her last years she stated to me about how she realized some hair grew abruptly without her knowledge. She told me about some funny waxing adventure with her and another of my sister's. She asked me if I knew of a solution. Being always a tom-boy I can tell you I did not then nor do I today.


I always wished more for my mother. When I would visit she would read me a new poem she wrote and regale tales of her cats but in my early twenties I pitied her. "She should want more from life than being cooped up all day in her house in solitude awaiting a visitor" I'd often think to myself.


Now in my thirties I sit at home in my solitude focusing on a hobby or blog soaking in the peace. It's moments like this I long for . Days with nothing more on the agenda then then to make tea and breathe the cool spring air.


Even with her absence I still learn from her. It's hard sometimes to appreciate just existing and relishing the days when we don't have an off-set in our thoughts. My mother was at times the definition of Zen. She taught me there are more important things than looks and material things do not bring you peace of mind. She was happy just being. As I find myself making peace & tying ends I still try to imbue her ability to appreciate every small thing. I know as I get older I will understand even more lessons.


When I would visit she would always brag about how intelligent, fearless, tender-hearted and independent I was. She was always fascinated that I was learning Spanish and got a scholarship for college. Lastly,  before I left, she would tell me how pretty I was because between the two of us we knew other things were more important. The of course she'd give me a big hug and tell me how much she loved me.

(Left) My mother at the lake in her sister's old bathing suit.

 

Happy Mother's Day!


xo-Cheriebobomb

I Know How Super-Villians Are Formed or How I Learned to Distiguish Disgust From Hate

I had stopped myself from discussing this socially several times because I was worried about how my message would be taken. But here's the thing: if my thoughts offend you don't read them. If you think poor of me don't be my friend. Believe that I am crazy or an evil person. For the first time in my life I honestly do not care what anyone thinks of me. I will not pretend to care for people who do not deserve my respect. I will not hold my tongue to save someone else.  I have to purge this because I don't think I'm going to feel better until I get it out even if it cannot be voiced directly.

I think it's sick to call yourself a person's friend when all you did was give him drugs and take advantage of him. I asked you for help with Caleb's mental illness. I told you the pain pills made him abusive towards me and you shrugged it off and still kept giving them to him. I should've reported you to the police then.

I asked you to encourage him to go to the mental hospital as his aggression was unusual and you did not help. You advised me to "stop trying to control him" and I watched his slow demise.

 I think it's disgusting that instead of actually being my ally and possibly a constructive force in your friend's life you exacerbated his hate & enabled unhealthy life choices. You promote yourself as one of his best friends but you only contacted him when you needed a favor.

He busted out all 10 of my windows because he was having a really fucking bad episode. I asked the police to take him to the mental hospital for evaluation. They chose to take him to jail. Do you understand that now? You shrugged it off as though it was an everyday occurrence. You accused me of ruining his life. You told me "I hope you die alone". I wanted for so long to make you understand the terror that exists when someone is out of their head enough to swing a table at you . I wanted to pay a 200 pound man to come over, rip an awning post down, swing it at YOUR face and damage your entire house so you might understand. But you weren't understanding. You blamed me for Caleb's own actions. It's convenient to claim he was capable enough make his own decisions until he's in jail ...then you switched it to "he was crazy and needed help".

What you did is exacerbate his hate towards one of his biggest supporters. What you did was convince him to separate himself even further from the one woman who had been able to love him through major episodes, a woman who knew how insane he was and loved his flaws and all. The woman who convinced him he could do anything he put his mind to that his mental illness was not an excuse to not aspire to what he wanted. A woman who encouraged him and bought him thousands of dollars of studio equipment to achieve his dream. He had a studio. He was doing what he loved & he was happy.

You accused me of taking advantage of a mentally ill person. Do you know what actually happens during an episode? Do you  know how absolutely out of control and out of touch with reality a person can get? No, you don't. You had the luxury of being a fair-weather person in his life. You, like many,  were sheltered from the darkness. The love a person has turns to hate . The balance gets shifted the complete opposite way . Once, while we were separated we agreed to go on a picnic and he was so uncoordinated and jerky that I asked him if he was feeling okay. He confided in me that he had stopped his Abilify because he lost it. He was without his antipsychotic med for 5 days. I turned the car around immediately and told him we were finding the medication or paying cash for it. He didn't lose it he just didn't want to take it. I had to force him to take the med.
When you love someone with mental illness and they are having an episode you have to take care of them when they cannot.  They often do not like it. You still have to do what is best for the mentally ill person.

Caleb admitted to everyone that he didn't know what happened after the first big episode we encountered . He asked everyone to listen to me when I said he wasn't acting right . He admitted to everyone that I could see the signs quickly . No one listened .


Instead you  convinced him if he got a restraining order on me he would get off probation. Did it work? Did you advise him correctly?

You told me I was responsible for ruining his life. I want to thank you personally for where we are today.  While I was with Caleb he was going to SAE, well-fed and never wanting anything. Bills were paid. Medications were taken. He took vacations. He had a roof over his head and his life was very stable. I learned about medications and paid close attention to side effects and his mood changes because I'd had some past experience dealing with mentally ill people. He had a normal life. The only thing I put my foot down on was drug usage and trust me I know what his life was on drugs. I know what his emotions, hallucinations and imbalanced brain chemistry was on drugs. I saw those when he wasn't. I was privy to both the power of and ugliness of an unbalanced mind. It was  a stark contrast. I never forced or made Caleb do anything. He obviously had free will but he chose a life with me because he wanted that life with me.

Did I ruin his life? Nope. Your fool-proof legal advice kept me so far away that I had no choice but to remove myself from his life and accept that my hands were clean of anything to happen the next year. I'm no saint. I'm no savior. You were right. I would've reached out. I would've made an effort. Even if we weren't together I'd make sure he was taking his meds.  You have no idea how many times I had to say to that man "If you aren't feeling well call you doctor" or "Let's make a therapy appointment. I don't think you will ever endure the selflessness involved nor are you capable of such. It wasn't work. I loved him. Not many could be both a caretaker and a partner. I did both because I loved him.
  But no matter how I judge you only you have to deal with your own subconscious, decisions and your own higher power. It is no concern to me how you continue to live your miserable life. You wanted all of his studio gear, music and belongings and you got them. You swore you'd keep him out of my life and you got your wish. But know this the really important things are immaterial and you have absolutely zero control over this. The responsibility is on your head if you do not do right by him. Your opinion of me means literally nothing. Anyone who really knew the relationship knows the truth.  All I know is that if I could trade his soul for yours and put you in his place I would in a heartbeat without a second thought. And I don't have any remorse or regrets in stating that. Yes it is an incredibly mean thing to say and  it's how I feel.

I'm also kind of disgusted by another individual who really didn't have any involvement in Caleb's life but since his passing has alluded to so much more. Go ahead and get all of this attention. You seem to need to feed on this unfortunate event and gain as much spotlight as you can.  You hung out with Caleb like twice in 15 years. It is tacky to say a ghost is watching you change. If this was the depth of your relationship then you are fake, insincere and tacky. I'm sorry if none of your friends will tell you this but I'm not the one to hold my tongue. You are tacky. I don't care what you did to your brain or why you need to feel the attention you are milking a situation. You were not important to him. He was not important to you. You were not going to take care of him. You don't even understand the reality of what that meant. It is easy to say we made promises that never had to be delivered. Its easy to claim how things would've been since the opportunity will never arise and you obviously didn't want to make the effort when there was time. Real love doesn't pause. It doesn't question. It doesn't make future plans when the time is right. It just happens.


 You are being disrespectful for anyone who really knew him.




Yes, I realize I am being very judgmental.
I don't care if these individuals saved your mom from a burning building... who was swaddling a baby ...who was holding 5 kittens ...to me they are worthless. I literally do not care.




I know this isn't very Buddhist. I am human.
I will definitely forget (you exist). I may forgive in time...but today is not that day.


Damn, I feel pretty cleansed.
- Cheriebobomb

Silence is Golden.

“When you understand, that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be.”
― Chuck Palahniuk

When my fiance of 3 & a-half years left in January I was a broken person.
Knowing his past behaviors during manic episodes I thought I had mentally prepared myself for this. I didn't expect, extrapolate or calculate that healing has it's own time line & unfortunately these things take time.

Even so,  I was determined to quickly reach a point of acceptance and growth. I was determined to no longer settle with my happiness. I was oblivious, or maybe in denial, to the fact that I needed to focus on myself. I needed more time to nuture the hurt parts of my soul...but I had always been an impatient person.

 I was excited, albeit hesistant, to venture out into the dating scene.  I signed up for a few dating sites to see if I could sort out someone truly special amongst the cornicopia of weeds, weirdos & freaks. I had an overwheling response to my ad. To this day I am still scratching my head as to why  one member had chosen a close-up picture of his one extremlely red eye as his profile photo. No one particularly stuck out until I came across a photo of a familiar face.

I'd worked with Jonathan for several years at a previous job.  He is probably a wallflower to most people; just another average, slightly-overweight hipster with a beard. He seemed like your average Joe but to me I was attracted to the authority in his voice, his confidence & weird sense-of-humor. When I saw his picture on OKCupid I thought to myself "There is no way he and his girlfriend broke up. They were SO happy." After fact-checking facebook to assure myself I wasn't preimptively getting involved in some complicated drama-I-didn't-need-in-my-life situation, I clicked the "like" button, probably blushed & most definitely giggled like a school girl.
The heart I thought would never thump again was akin to Jim Henson's muppet Animal on a drumset.
The anticipation just felt so good.

Many first dates with Jonathan were nothing less than magical. My birthday was like the scene from "16 Candles". He held my hand as we walked through Moss Wright Park. He looked lovingly into my eyes as we discussed having children and how desperately he wanted to be a father. He revealed how much he feared never getting that opportunity to have a family of his own. His eyes actually twinkled when he stared into my eyes. We walked around the Opryland Hotel Garden while he told me about his time as a marine and the passing of his father. It seemed as though I'd found someone with so many common interests and life goals who had suffered as much as I had and deserved so much more. It was so perfect in the beginning that only 3 weeks into it I remember joking with my roomate that he " was so perfect there must be something terribly wrong with him". We laughed but in hindsight I know my intuition was trying to tell me something that the oxytocin flowing through my neural pathways refused to acknowledge.

As perfect as things seemed there were very big signs I should've noticed. There were people waving red flags telling me to avoid this disaster but I couldn't see the reality through the perfect, content, romance-filled life I'd been promised.  Here's a few things that occurred after a month of dating that should've sent me running for the hills:

• He wanted to move in after 3 weeks of dating.
• He demanded exclusivity & that we rush into a marriage-type situation.
• He threw a tantrum when I told him I was going to a male friend's party.
• He was consistently late for any plans.
• Easter weekend we were supposed to meet at noon. At 1:30 I contacted him asking where he was. ( I now know he was on a date.) He threw a tantrum & refused to keep Easter plans. He later tried to make me feel bad for him because he "was alone on Easter".
• He would take everything out of context and take offense to every little thing.
• He would compare me positively to his ex.

He had me convinced that his poor behavior was due to damage caused by his previous relationship & breakup & PTSD from serving in the military for 4 months on 1997, however I still decided I needed to break it off with him. I was exhausted by his moodiness & unrreliabilty. There was another man who wanted to court me and he seemed like a more stable option. Since I try to be an upfront & honest person & I refuse to string anyone along I informed him of the reasons I wanted to break things off. Suddenly his behavior changed. He was the nice, funny, vulnerable, attentive man I was initially attracted to. Things were good. I chalked the initial poor behavior to dating jitters and proceeded to fall for this man. He said he loved me. I said it back. Unfortunately that's when the extremely abusive behavior reared it's ugly head but by this time I had been gradually groomed for what follwed the next few months.

• (April) He began getting upset for absolutely no logical reason and blaming me for his anger.
• He told me I didn't know how to treat a man and accused me of trying to control him.
• He began to compare me negatively to his ex and several other women.
• He demanded I paint my nails. He critiqued everything I wore. He told me to start parting my hair to the other side.
• He tripped me because I had to get up to use the restroom.
• He would have sex with me when I was asleep.
• (May) He pushed me & told me to get out of his apartment one evening after we had gone to sleep. While I was putting on my shirt he ripped it out of my hands & tore it to shreds. He pushed me against the wall and then kissed me and begged me not to leave him. His excuse was PTSD. He left several scratches and bruises on my arms.
• (May) He backed into my car purposefully and then reprimanded me for getting upset.
• He started calling me names during his tantrums. After the first time I was called a b*tch I politely explained to him that I would not accept that behavior. After the 5th time,  I called him a b*tch back & he ignored me for 3 days because "it means something worse for men".
• (June) He threw his dog across the apartment because it peed on the floor.
• (June) He accused me of cheating on him & demanded I take pictures around the house to prove noone was home with me.
• (July 4th) He grabbed my arm, bruised me, pushed me again. When I refused to apologize for my behavior he punched himself in his side and threatened to call the police on me.
• He threw his dog into the counter this time breaking it's nail. It bled on the bed and the wall. D.B. refused to clean it up and expected me to sleep in/on/around it.
• (July) He informed me that he broke a wood-burned elephant I gave him into pieces to clean up dog shit with. When I started to cry he scolded me for getting upset.
• (July) A bug was stinging my arm and I flicked it off. He spit in my face because I "flicked it at him in anger".
• (July) We were playing a video game and I leveled-up & picked up better gear before him so he acted insulted, threw a tantrum & kicked me out.
• (July 24th) He told me I was the only one who understood him. Then kicked me out because I had to get out of the bed to use the bathroom.
• (July 28th) I found another woman walking his dog at his apartment. She had slept over. I confronted both & ended that terrible relationship once and for all.

I have forgiven myself from letting this warped person get inside my head. I have forgiven myself for allowing this individual to treat me way less than I deserved. I know it seems obvious that this situation was severly toxic but relationships like these do not start out like this. I'm going to chalk this up as another lesson in life. I now completely understand the phrase "a wolf in sheep's clothing". Even after experiencing it it's still hard to believe that someone I'd known for years who seemed like your average nice man was so toxic underneath it all. I've even forgiven his behavior and confronted him about my mistreatment. I am at peace. I am thankful that I am brimming with empathy & sympathy and will continue in my life to have healthy relationships. It must be absolutely exhausting to try to control a person. This is a trait I will never feel compelled or desire to seek nor will I ever understand the emptiness that must reside inside such a toxic individual.

It makes me curious as to what other masked-marvels there are in this world. I wonder if we all wear these masks to some extent and why some people are capable of being so truly wicked and abusive.

I have also pondered if I too put on masks in my daily life.
This situation has made me strive to be the most genuine version of myself and to present it proudly.
My ability to trust was slightly dinged but I refuse to let it be completely damaged.
I can defintely say that after 5 months I am immensely stronger than I ever was and have little problem establishing boundaries.
So even though I was in a very real, very dangerous situation I came out mostly unscathed and infinitely wiser. I'm not broken. I'm a better version of myself.

-Happy New Years! xoxo
-Cheriebobomb

“You read and write and sing and experience, thinking that one day these things will build the character you admire to live as. You love and lose and bleed best you can, to the extreme, hoping that one day the world will read you like the poem you want to be.”
―    Charlotte Eriksson

*Names & initials have been changed.