So 2011, I don't expect a lot from you this year but I am assured it will be a smashing success. I am excited with all the new lives soon to be born into my family. I am ecstatic with all the possibilities that encompass you.
2011, I have some questions for you. Where will I find the great love of this year? Will they be singing a karaoke song, perusing a book I like at the library or will deep conversation begin over scattered, covered hash browns at the local Waffle House?
Will I travel abroad? Will I make it to Portugal and Italy and listen to foreign chatter as I "sit on a park bench that's older than my country"? Will I fall head over toes in love with an Italian man in which our incompatibly is lost in translation and behind a wine bottle.
Will I become more self-aware and less selfish? Will I continue to act in a childish manner when I fear I will be hurt. Will I ever reach a point where the risk of greater gain outweighs the fear or feeling foolish?
I guess all things will be revealed in due time, 2011.
I've recently been doing some soul searching. I've been trying to clear some cobwebs out of my head and remove some old, tightly packed luggage I've been hauling around in my brain. I've come to this conclusion that hundreds of scientists have known for years : Kids absorb a lot of information and we learn to mimic the actions and coping mechanisms of our parental units. I recently re-enacted a preconditioned scenario that has humbled myself.
When I was a child I had to be perfect. HAD to be PERFECT. Growing up with an adoptive parents who were unable to provide a nurturing environment I had to train myself to tip-toe through my house of egg shells making straight As to survive. One was an alcoholic who would one minute be loving and the next minute erupt into a hell-storm of destroying any object or person in his way. The other was an abused spouse who willingly fell and fed into this turmoil. In all the children I grew up with in order or age decent I was the least physically harmed in the chaos. The oldest was called "Ugmo" I think because she wasn't the prettiest. The prettiest was called stupid because she was dyslexic. It was a hotbed of competitive tension and manipulation. With the two people who are supposed to provide an example of loving teamwork and life skills, having a firm supporting ground to launch from there was always a demand to take sides and try to figure out who was right in everyday squabbles. So is the person who hit the other in the face worse that the one who through all the furniture? Or maybe the person who launched a long line of profanity was the most out of line? How I didn't turn out completely psychotic is unbeknownst to me. I did a lot of ignoring. Like in Fight Club I may have went to a place far deep in my imagination to find my power-animal-penguin and there I also hid my sanity.
All that being said, here I am 30 and I have probably destroyed something possibly good in my life. I don't mean to do these things but there is a part of my brain that wants to control things by playing games, being mean and just damn-right destructive. I learned from my childhood how to size a person up, find their weaknesses in just a matter of minutes and then at anytime without any regard pull that Jenga piece out of their psyche and watch them collapse. I thought I had moved past this. I hadn't noticed a pattern until this year. Sadly, the more I care about a person the harder I'll make them fall. It's a tooth for a tooth principle I do not want in my life any further. I rarely discuss the internal part of my life as I like ignoring the negative however admittance is the first step.
To leave this blog on a positive note, 2011, I want to have healthy relationships in which I can share the boundless love I am fully capable of. I want to be open to getting hurt and not lashing back when I feel pain. I want to keep my efforts as constructive as possible. I want to be a positive influence on others. I want complete control of my negative actions and yet to hold onto my ability to get lost in the idea of what if. This is my New Years resolution and promise. To anyone I've hurt I am eternally sorry. I always so I'm awesome, not perfect.
Here's to another great year. May we all find piece of mind. May we all carry forward the fond memories of 2010 and discard any negativity. Sweet dreams.
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